BACK TO THE BEGINNING: MY STORY
⚠ TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF CHILD ABUSE & SEXUAL ASSAULT ⚠
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My wife's been asking me to share some of my story to help people to relate to me, because at first glance it looks like I’ve got my shit together – but it wasn't always that way. I really struggled and I really suffered. I went through a lot of yucky shit as a kid.
When I was really little, I was raped and mutilated and some really shitty stuff. Shoved in closets and drawers, locked in closets, and abandoned for hours, sometimes days, by my mom and left to take care of my brother at a very young age. I was five changing his diaper and my mom would be gone for hours. Right around the same age I was hung over a balcony by my ankles, asked to beg for my life.
Just a lot of really yucky stuff.
I never used to understand how these people, these adults, could treat me this way. As you start to heal, you start to realize it’s the effects from what shit happened to them.
My mom was raped and beaten by her dad which caused a tremendous amount of dysfunction.
My dad was a biker and living in his own world, this wild world of bikers…
The stories I've seen and one of the things that I was taught at a very young age as a result of that is how to street fight. What the bikers would do is they would put you in the ring as soon as you turned five. What they did on Sunday afternoons, if I recall correctly, was me and some other kid around my age would have to fight and all the other bikers would be drinking beer and surrounding us, watching.
This was under the bridge in Hamilton way back in the early seventies at a clubhouse there. We'd have to use our environment to fight. So whether that be a chain, dirt, beer bottles, anything - we would use what we had to fight. If you didn't fight, you'd get a worse beating. So kids you'd be playing in the sandbox with you were thrown into the circle with to fight.
Just some really dysfunctional shit.
Learning to heal from that took some time. I had some addictions and dysfunctions and codependencies, and I wanted to know how to heal those. And I thought, “Well, the best way to know how to heal it would be to know how do I induce it? How could I create that?”
So I hired a covert human behavior expert to teach me how to do those things. Not to induce it on people - I didn't want to cause harm in people's lives - I wanted to know if I saw that in somebody how to reverse engineer it. How could I reverse engineer having a man in my life? Or having a mom? I thought in learning this that maybe I could help some other mom. So she could have her son in her life. These things are important to me.
So I really studied and really learned so much about human behavior, some simple things like how many times a minute a person blinks, and how quickly. People dilation, eye direction, head tilts, choice of language, hand positioning, macro and micro movements - just little things. And how you can manipulate the human condition and how quickly you could do simple things. Having learned that, I learned very quickly how to change myself and change others and get rid of a lot of dysfunction.
It's not an easy thing to do. It's not easy to change and evolve because then the question becomes “Who am I? That was my identity. Well, who am I now?” So it takes a lot of courage to change. Sometimes you're forced into changing, and it's difficult but it's worth it.
I really went through a lot of pain and a lot of suffering for two years. I decided to not date, not be with anybody, just heal. Just heal from all the codependency and dysfunctions and all the ridiculousness of my life and fulfill my needs with healthy things like exercise and socializing and healthy spiritual connections.
That was probably the most difficult time in my life. Way worse than going through those things as a kid was healing from them as an adult.
And now at the age of 50, I can honestly look in the mirror and say, “I'm a good man. I'm a man of honesty and integrity. I try my best at everything that I that I do, and if I make a commitment I keep it.” Vibrating at that frequency, I've brought a wonderful woman into my life and wonderful people into my life. My life is completely different and much healthier and much happier and so much more at peace.
So, I hope that gives you some insight into who I am and what I'm passionate about and where I've come from and how I've healed myself and how I can help others to heal. Hopefully my blog posts and some of the videos that I make on my social media channels can help begin to do that. To set you in a direction or a path that gets you some further help.
Because at the end of the day, my ultimate goal is to help others attain theirs.
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